Sis, fuck him!

*girl, not in the literal sense

If you don’t have people in your life that call you out, you don’t have friends.

Nyams, this is for you.

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In real life I’m animated, I changed voices, characters and curse like Pirates was based on my life. I exaggerate, but I curse more than you’d want that aunt in your life to around your kids. Am I proud? No. Should I stop? Probably. How’s that going? It’s at the bottom of things to work on in my life. Iza jo.

I am sarcastic, opinionated, and my face has a problem hiding any nonsense I’m processing at any given time. In another life my dad would have killed me, my mother had me tied to the altar for exorcism. One brother calls me difficult, the other says I am a ticking timebomb.

Wait. Pole. Sorry. You thought I was gonna say how I’m an amazing human being?

My bad, lemme get to that. Haya. One thing is true about me. Like you, I don’t wake up looking to be an ass or flawed. But here we are. I know I love deeply, come through for those I love, speak truth (manze this one has gotten me into trouble), go out of my way, fight for truth, etc. etc. though that’s not the point of this post.

But that hasn’t always been the case. Some asshole along the way made me feel like I am not worth of shit in my life. Not love, not the best. But through the help of strong women in my life like Doreen, Portia and Nyams, here I am, aware that I’m a fucking catch.

~~~~~

I’ve been taking stock of my past relationships as my therapist would have me, and apart from djkajdjw (ulipenda udaku hey?!) the rest had one thing in common; hiding me.

You’re allowed to pause and process that.

There’s a number whom have introduced me to their mother, but after the last one, I realized a man introducing you to their mother/family means NOTHING. If you’re reading this and you’re shocked, pole sana. But it’s true. It’s one thing for a man to love you how you want and deserved to be loved, and another for him to show his family the ideal woman and then go off and act single.

There’s a couple of things I want to address from my unfiltered experience.

1. Sis, you always know. They’ve just made you doubt and censor your gut. You know if he’s the one, if he’ll love and treat you right, if he’ll cheat, if he’ll make you a priority, if he’ll meet your expectations. YOU KNOW. I don’t know the science but I believe women have been fitted with a stronger gut than men- so we know. “Omg I can believe he’d do that to me?!” But sis, you snatched him from his ex. Heeellloooooo!!!

2. If he wants you, you’ll know.

Sorry. What is meant to say was, IF HE WANTS YOU, YOU’LL KNOW.

If you’re questioning if he likes you, sis, move the fuck on. And I’m not talking about insecurities for “oh but why would he like me?”

Side bar: If you ever feel unworthy of a man’s affection, call yourself for several meetings. Google ‘efffects of low self esteem’ if you have to. Coz sis, he’ll turn you into a door mat. He’ll turn you into a disposable piece of shit, of which you aren’t. If you lucky, he’ll build you by telling you that you’re a queen, but such men are HELLA rare, and likely not the one you’re with right now.

I’m talking about you questioning your worth when you’re with a man. I’d you ever get there, Google “how to love myself” coz the heartbreak you’re about to experience, woi! It’s not worth it. Being with a man for the sake of society and forsaking what you need is foooollliiiissshhh. Dying alone in peace btw is not that bad. If your issue is sex I can recommend a site. Just saying.

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PSA

Fuck all the men that make you feel less than. Fuck all the men that make you feel that choosing you is a favor. Fuck all men that promise heaven and give you a pinpop. Fuck all the men that say they’ll call back and don’t. Fuck all the men that go quiet and text you when they are bored. Fuck all the men that date you because they want what’s between your legs. Fuck all the men that won’t be emotionally vulnerable with you. Fuck all the men that make you feel less than. Fuck all the men that make you look crazy when you tap into your gut. Fuck all the men that don’t put you first.

Pause and add your “Fuck all the men…” quote. Get it out of your system.

Fuck any man that’s EVER made you feel less than .

Ffuuuuckkkkk ttthheeeemmmm.

~~~~~

In other news, there are good men out there. And here’s how you attract them- raise and keep your standard up.

Before you rejoice, if you have a rubbish personality and everything in between, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the women that spend days and hours on self improvement.

Once your fear of being alone leaves you, you’ll be at peace and in a better place to attract the remaining men that ask, “where are the good women at?”

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Today’s blog has been brought to you by the word “fuck”, my inner work, and the conviction that I deserve love. And so do you, sister.

Cheers

Minding Your Own Emotional Business

I was going through something, and I remember stopping and thinking, “mind your own emotional business.” By the time your mind is dropping intellectual bombs on you randomly, even it’s tired of your bullshit.

So here, I am going to explore the idea further. Hopefully, we will come out of this quarantine with even a tiny improvement in our emotional health.

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If you’ve interacted with me during these times of COVID-19 and curfews, you know I am NOT qualified to speak on this from an “I am better than you” standpoint. So, don’t feel free to drop me a message about potential hypocrisy. Between the excessive drinking (WHO called it), questionable life choices, breakdowns, tears, and fights, it hit me I needed to get back to minding my own emotional business and running a tight ship.

Now, your issues don’t look like mine. If anything, you are probably more well put together. Logically, you’d wonder what this mess has to say to you. Well, let’s take a walk, shall we?

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I’ve learned A LOT during this journey with mental illness. You don’t have to have it, but there are universal truths we can explore. So here’s the five-step program I’m using to mind my emotional business.

Step 1: Can you address your denial, please?

If you ever think or even say out loud, “you made me feel-” to xyz, please. Stop. Just. Stop. Is the person in your neural pathways sparking off the chemicals producing the adverse reaction you’re having?

ARE THEY??!!!!

(I don’t know if that’s how it all works, and I can’t be bothered to research, but you get my point)

Nowadays I spot, address, flip, and expel any negative emotions toward another person quite fast. Are we good at this? No. But have I stopped sending people long messages and being passive-aggressive? Mostly. Have I known to love people from afar? Corona and quarantine are helping me perfect this art.

You can get upset, want to snatch someone’s weave, and ask yourself out loud, “Is this human being stupid?” What I’m talking about is the act itself of holding on to a negative emotion for longer than is necessary. Here is a cool infographic you can consider using when starting the process. Thanks for sharing Nyams!

Marc Brackett. PhD

In short, call yourself for as many meetings as you can until it’s out of your system. The focus shouldn’t be on how much someone triggered/ triggers us; it’s we who ought to deal with the emotions within us. So, please, let’s not delegate emotions and subject others to bad moods, short texts, and blue ticks. I am talking to you, Maureen Wambaire King`ori.

PS: Looking at the phone ring is quite alright. Consider taking a time out, especially when you’re not feeling alright emotionally. I am all for having close friends, family, and partners to help us through difficult emotions, but again, that’s a form of delegation. Ponder and calibrate, then when you get stuck, ask for guidance. Thanks, Doreen, for the lesson.

Step 2: READ.

Like, yo. Why do I have to say this, and it’s 2020??

You know what, open an incognito tab. Search what brings about people pleasing, why you have a hard time saying no, why you feel a coldness towards your parents, why you hate your job- you get the point. There’s a ton of information online written by professionals who will shed light on the inner workings of your subconscious mind where all the murk is hidden.

The reason I’m insisting on this is because demons come out to play. You can dress it up, money it up, success it up, but your demons always show. Slay them one at a time, and release yourself (and us) from it. I’ve hurt and pushed away people I loved and vice versa. If I’d started the inner work much sooner, life would be a lot different.

Step 3. ASK. FOR. HELP.

I can’t credit everything to my “seeing the light” and starting the journey. God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, my mother, Doreen and Portia (my dear, dear friends) where all part of it. Other friends too- don’t come catching for me, please. So were an uncle and aunt who are like my guardian angels because they came through when I needed the most support. And I’ll finish this salamuz segment with acknowledging the mental health professionals who’ve been with me along the way too.

Step 4. Take care of your body

I breath heavy these days. That ish is NOT sexy. I sound like I ran a marathon. And what is diet? This is good advice; I’ll take it for myself too. Maybe I can make it through a Sun Salutation A today without collapsing. Gee!

Step 5. Accept it’s a lifelong commitment

You’ll be dealing with your emotions till death.

Pause, go back one line, reread.

Yea. So why not focus on minding that emotional business of yours? Like now?

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Life can be simple when you figure out how to manage emotions, especially those causing distress. I’m also realizing they are not who I am; if anything, they are getting in the way of the ME.

Cheers