There is this one guy, at midnight, sent a message saying “I’m so horny”. His profile picture was his son. And that was the last time we talked. #FromFriendZoneToFuckOffZone

There is this other guy, he told me he wanted to make me his blanket. That was the last time we hang out. #NoThanks

There is this other ninja who told me his girlfriend goes through his phone. I thought it was a joke and called to talk about why his earlier statement about Africans being stupid is problematic. He didn’t pick but she called me back, using his phone. That was the last time I had any form of respect for this ninja. #WeakAssHuman

There was this other time, my friend’s girlfriend read our messages about random ish, and now I am apparently the reason why they have issues in their relationship? #IKnowIAmFlyButGirl #HeLovesYouBitch

And then there was this one guy, who dumped me before we even started dating. That was the last time I told a guy that I like them first.

There was this other guy that only called me during the weekends. I told him I was with my boyfriend all weekend that is why I couldn’t pick his calls. And that was the last time he text. #Phew

There was this other married guy I was having a conversation with at the hotel bar, and he kept looking back because he expected his wife to show up. I have him my number (I block people like a hobby), and then he told me to send him a photo. That was the last time we talked. (here I was thinking I could have connections to the World Bank.)

And then there’s this ratchet guy, he asked my cousin if she fucks campus kids. He soon found out the answer (I had to throw that in. Worst pickup like ever!)

There was this other guy, who has a wife and two kids, and he asked me to be his girlfriend because he loves me. And now my anthem is “I refuse to be the other woman!” #MarriageCounsellingIsImportant

And also there’s this guy, we haven’t talked for perhaps three years, and after spotting me in my neighborhood, he thought we had a future. I got blue ticked when I emphasized “kuna venye…”

And then there’s this boyfriend of mine, who after an argument, told me he had struggled me and buried me in his dreams. Now you’re good.

And yes, today is the day that no fucks were giving.