On emotional health and being cold- hearted

If you know me, then you’re aware that emotions and I are on different paths. Once in a while we meet and it’s a mess. However, when we get back on our own paths, I am good for a while. Or so I thought.

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What is “depression” in your mother tongue?

I didn’t and still don’t know what it is in my mother tongue . How then do you explain something you don’t have a word for? We’ve all be in those situation where words fail you and you wishing you could crack open your skull and go ‘see!’. You’d want to point ‘here’, ‘here’ and ‘there’ so that people can piece together what you feel.

It’s annoying.

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I come from a long line of men and women who don’t know how to express their emotions or cannot do so appropriately. On my dad’s side, people are cold as ice. Aunt Emily, if you read this, let your siblings know I said so. I’ll tell your brother myself LOL!

On my mother’s side, it is nine women who have a hard time expressing themselves appropriately especially when overwhelmed with emotion. I’ve had extensive conversations with mother and my aunt in Chuka and they tell me I don’t even know the half of it.

My cousin’s aren’t better either. Humor is poured on everything intense with no regrets or care. Opening up to who? Why? For what? Even with those I talk to, it’s clear that they and I don’t handle emotions well.

(Stops to stare at the dirty laundry I’ve typed out. Moves on because I know someone somewhere can relate.)

So I have this ice cold personality coupled with an inability to handle extreme emotions well. I either become aggressive or drink myself silly. Yoga, deep breathing, mindfulness and meditation: Worrathose???!

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I’ve just had a conversation with my life partner* about how I just realized my inadequacies in the areas of emotions and self-expression. Like I would say I love him, but not really meeeaaannnn it even though I did. Like, you get?

It’s like telling someone that you care about them and then that’s it. Sure, you’ll do things to show you care but it’s more of ticking boxes off a checklist society has given you. You feel nothing when doing it; at some point it feels like a chore because your heart isn’t there.

Cold-hearted. And that’s how I’ve been going through life. Sigh.

It sucks to think that I’ve never loved properly because my emotional health was non-existent. But now I’m looking forward to healthier relationships all round. But it’s a journey.

(*If you ask about him, I will ignore you.)

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Friends: I love/ miss you

Me inside: What am I meant to do with that information?

Me outside: Aw! *pauses for several seconds* I love/miss you too!

In essence I am writing this to shed light on the topic of emotional health. Secondly, it’s something I have to work on. Because it is ABSOLUTELY horrible!

How bad?

During one of my therapy sessions my assignment was to go look up feeling words. You know, like words healthy people use to describe their emotions? Because my vocab was wanting in that area (in a lot of areas but you get my point.)

How do I feel right now? Relief. I’m now less shity of a human being.

Grow and bloom my friends,

Cheers