Letting go of what I never had

Sit with me in silent laughter.

By now I know the symptoms of a bad day. I will wake up in a sour mood. I will not want to leave the bed. I will negotiate with myself to work because I don’t want to be a beggar. I will refuse to journal because I know it will end in an even more foul mood or waterworks, both of which I don’t want to experience.

If you don’t have such days, I’m jealous.

As for me and myself, such a day never ends well. I started with one of those yesterday. For the most part, they end with hours of YouTube and sleep, but in others, if a trigger is introduced, chhhhiiiillleeeee…. (pronounced “child” but without the d. Blame Sarah Jakes Roberts.)

My riggers could be anything, but they all have an underlying theme- men getting away with shit. Anything from a chauvinistic comment that goes unmentioned to gospel artists messing up a woman’s life- that shit gets to me. I could choose not to curse, but that shit is heavy in my heart and I can’t express it any other way.

Because these all sound like things I should bring up in my therapy sessions, I’ll do just that.

But one thing these triggers do is send me down a rabbit hole, which is the basis of today’s post.

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Being molested as a child messes up a human to degrees that even they don’t understand in their later years. If you have been, male or female, you know what I mean. Pair that with a less than ideal environment to grow up in and behold, a mess of a human being trying to get through life happens.

And I have been trying to work my issues out. So when the following thought hit me, I had to just… let’s just say I felt a lot of things.

How do you let go of things you never had in the first place?

I’ll give an example. It’s like not getting a job and saying, you know what, screw that job, I don’t want it anyway, it was rubbish, the people are probably xyz, etc. etc. you know, sour grapes. So imagine that with your life, trying to let go of friends you never had, of relationships with people who never loved you in the first place, of a childhood that you never got to experience.

How does that work, exactly?

And I say this with utmost humor despite the space I’m in- it’s like trying to change up your life to be this thing, and then you realized you never had a life in the first place, so what exactly are you changing? LOL!

You can understand the level of delusion, yes?

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While that realization is painful, it’s one I’m happy I’ve had. Unclenching empty hands is easier, and realizing, moving forward, I have nothing to lose with the choices I make with how my life moves forward. I never had anything to lose in the first place.

I also realize what to pick and carry with me. Love. From people who were with me even when I had nothing, even when I didn’t realize I was empty. You are the real OGs.

Keep swimming.