Between the sleep in my eyes and the stigma on this topic, believe me when I say it’s the last thing I wish to post about. That and typing and editing via phone is cumbersome. How autocomplete thought I wanted to say Cumberland (lol!) is beyond me. I only do so because I realize it’s not about me.
Before early 2016 I can say my life has been cloudy, but the one that doesn’t make you sweat but does get you depressed as the day progresses. After doing something terrifically foolish, I understood how you can be a Christian and slide into the devil’s “DM.” If you’re ranking sins in your mind then that’s you scrolling looking for his handle. Stop. You’re welcome!
I had an honest conversation with God and asked Him to get me out of the mess because if He didn’t, I was so sure I’d ruin my life. It was actually a guarantee; you don’t need to get two warning dreams to know fam! He didn’t have to but He did, and from that point I said I’d focus on him. After that commitment depression became part and parcel of my life. That and other manifestations of self-hatred. It had been there before, the cloudy day, but it got progressively dark to what began to look like night.
Darkness fell less than a week ago. I’ve mentioned here having suicidal thoughts (or have I?) and there’s nothing as bad as a mind working against you. If you’ve been here it’s something you don’t wish on your worst enemy. Think of the person you strongly dislike. Now think of the one you’d use the word “hate.” You wouldn’t wish those oppressive thoughts on them. Trust me. The fact that I know someone I love with the same issue hurts me to my life’s essence.
Sorry for the detour, I just find context super important.
I’ve been reading a lot about mental health so when for the first time the thought manifested into dialogue in form of a plan, I knew I needed help. And even in that awareness I was aware that God was still with me. I was on the phone with a close friend and after she prayed for me I said “I can see God even in this. But right now I am not okay, and I need to get help.”
Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship. And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].
ROMANS 12:1-2 AMP
What you’re going through is not normal. It is equally not of God.
Giving yourself up to God is a logical act of worship because He gave His son for you. A life for a life almost. So taking your life is out of question. Also note that it gives no prerequisite as to how you come. It says all of yourself as “holy and well-pleasing” to God. If Paul did anything in his lifetime was let us know that we only achieve that status in Christ. If you’re in him, even as you are, God sees you as worthy. Paul was a murder- what’s you’re excuse for refusing what the word says you are? Being conformed to this world for me was entertaining the thought of going through with the narrative playing in my mind to take my life.
I love an example given to me. It’s like playing Temple Run with suicide. Even when the gorilla catches up and kills you or you fall off a cliff, the screen refreshes and you’re back at it. You “die”, but when morning comes you’re back to running, fighting, coping. Does that sound like life in Christ?
Which brings me to my second point; get help. There is such a thing as rubbish “help”. It takes the form of alcohol, the friend that’s messed with your self esteem for years, non-responsive parents, a pastor or priest with no counseling experience, that overly religious relative. Amani Counseling Center and KAPC in Kenya are excellent places to start. If you don’t have financial resources, I get that. Reach out to a supportive friend or relative. They might not understand, but they might be willing to help. I don’t have a list, but sort professional counselors.
Again, get help. Those thoughts are NOT normal and shouldn’t be with you for life. Don’t cope, don’t fight alone. Read as much as you can about what you’re going through- it’s hands down affirmed my belief that information is power.
Not your typical festive post. I know. But let your gift to yourself in 2019 be a sober mind, won’t you?